Again?
Tuesday, February 28, 2012 at 5:14AM With the news out of Ohio yesterday, it seems appropriate to re-run this post from April 20, 2009.
I was 28 years old and living in Lakewood, Colorado. It was a warm day in April and I was on my knees in the front yard digging up dandelions. I hate dandelions. Actually hate is not a strong enough word. Loathe, detest, despise, abhor … you get the idea. I was really going after those dandelions. Reagan, 3, and Hayden, 2 were riding their little bikes on the sidewalk near me. I had the phone out in the yard and when it rang I answered but kept digging. It was my mom who lived nearby.
“Are you watching TV?”
“No. I’m out in the yard. Why?”
“They’re saying that some kids walked into Columbine with guns and are shooting people.”
“Yeah, whatever. It’s probably BB guns or something or a senior prank. Teenagers are so dumb sometimes.”
“Hmmm, maybe. They’re saying it’s some kind of gang. Trench coat mafia? Kids who wear black and trench coats.”
“Mom, I was friends with all those kids in high school. Trench coats aren’t a big deal.”
“You’re probably right. Go turn on the TV though.”
“I will after I put the kids down for a nap. They don’t need to see that stuff.”
We hung up and I resumed digging and that’s when the noises started. Sirens in the distance. They didn’t stop. Siren after siren went by and then the helicopter noises took over. I got nervous and took the kids in for their naps and turned on the television. For the next two hours I sat on the couch and stared and cried. Columbine High was about 3.5 miles away. I had graduated from a neighboring high school in the same district. I had speech tournaments at Columbine. My sister completed her student teaching there. The library next door to the school is the one I took the kids to, to check out their little board books.
This was happening in my neighborhood. To people like me. To people I might know. The sirens kept going by. The choppers kept flying over.
I called Rich to come home. He was already packing up. One of his co-workers was frantically trying to locate his child who thankfully turned up in short order. It was a surreal day and everyone and everything stopped as we watched and waited for news.
Much of the next few days are blurred together. I remember going to a vigil at church where several members of our youth group had been shot. I remember taking my kids to the crosses on the hill and trying to explain to pre-schoolers about bad boys and death. And even though I had no first degree personal connections to the victims or shooters, I remember feeling violated. Robbed. Unbelievably sad.
For a few days, the community rallied together and we comforted each other and mourned together. Then people started turning. Started pointing fingers and laying blame. Our church’s pastor spoke at the public memorial in front of thousands of people and millions on television. He spoke from his heart and he spoke of faith as he tried to comfort and make sense of the tragedy. And yes, he said the name “Jesus”. He’s a pastor. That’s what he does.
He fielded death threats for the next several weeks.
Then people started criticizing the staff and the principal and the police and the fire department. I just wanted to scream. I wanted to take a microphone and stand on the school’s lawn and lecture.
“Listen up people! Everyone did the best they know how! No one expected this. No one could prepare for it because it’s never happened before! You can’t prepare for that which you can’t even imagine. Stop pointing fingers. Stop laying blame. Put it aside and start figuring out how to keep it from happening again!”
But I was just a young, stay-at-home mom with no reason for anyone to listen to anything I had to say. Which is fine. It wouldn’t have fixed anything or even changed minds, but I grew frustrated. Frustrated, depressed and scared. I didn’t want to think about starting Reagan in kindergarten in that district. I didn’t want to live in a community that could get so ugly. Those reasons combined with some economic elements made us start thinking about moving.
Rich got a job offer in the town where we had gone to college. A smaller town. A calmer town. A town where kids could still play outside and run in and out of neighbors’ houses. A town where we could afford to get ahead. And so we moved here, away from my family and the neighborhood where I grew up. The move helped and time helped and maturity helped and I don’t think about Columbine much anymore. Except for this: I always expect it to happen again. If the high school near my house explodes this week, I won’t even blink in surprise. There is evil in the world and no place is safe and no one is immune.
If my life could be changed so profoundly by this event, I can’t even imagine the lives of the people who where there. The kids hiding under desks. The teachers trying to protect them. The families waiting and waiting for news. The responders who stepped over bodies and saw first hand what evil does. Those people. Those are the people to pray for today.
I don’t dig up dandelions anymore. I spray them with Round-Up and kill part of the lawn in the process. The digging of dandelions makes me too sad. Isn’t that weird?
Following along my Lenten adventure? Today’s piece of paper is: Give up fast food. No more french fries till Easter.
Reader Comments (5)
By complete conincidence, the school I work at implemented metal detectors starting yesterday. The kids were grumbly and the staff was grumbly at all the hassle, and then I saw what was happening in Ohio. Most of the shootings that are referenced like Columbine, or Heath High School locally, happened when I was still in high school. It's sad that a new generation is having to deal with the idea that school may not be a safe place, no matter how hard we try.
coincidence...I hate spelling errors, but it's just a little early for proofreading apparently
So tragic - I think I've commented on this post before. I worked with people who had kids at Leawood and Columbine that day, I worked on MIneral, which is essentially down the street and I remember everyone in the building filling the lobbies watching the news on TV. Those were the days before news filled the internet. News like yesterday makes me sad all over again. I will be keeping the TV off today, again, as my kids don't need to see it now and be afraid to go to school.
Katie - that is a crazy coincidence. I bet no one offers a peep of complaint today.
Krista - Technology has totally changed these things, hasn't it? I would be texting my kids like mad. Good idea to keep the TV off.
I remembered this post and thought of you when I heard.