If My Daughters Have To Shop Without Me
Sunday, January 15, 2012 at 7:02PM Reagan and I have a long standing weekend routine of snuggling in on the couch, firing up the DVR and watching Say Yes To The Dress. We prefer the New York edition, but will happily watch the Atlanta version as well and love the Bridesmaids episodes. I consider this educational programming because we have learned a lot from watching SYTTD. Important life lessons like:
- Do not take an entire crowd of people with you to try on dresses because more people = more opinions.
- Unless the bride is on the verge of making a truly disastrous decision, just nod and smile and agree with her choice.
- Know your body type. Do not try to put an apple body into a pear dress and vice versa.
- Trying on wedding dresses is not the occasion for working out your psychological or relationship issues.
- See through wedding dresses are just plain awful.
I get teary nearly every episode for one reason or another, though the one story angle that gets me every time is The Bride Who Must Shop Without Her Mother. I swear, the producers of this show have combed the nation for young women whose mothers have died and lined them up to capture on camera the emotional journey of trying to pick out a dress without their mamas.
There was yet another story like this the other night when Reagan and I finally noticed something curious. Whatever dress the bride likes best is the one she’s sure her mother would have picked and when she comes out of the dressing room sniffling this conviction, everyone with her rushes to agree and that’s the dress she gets.
Sometimes, dead mothers are more helpful shopping for dresses than living mothers.
With that in mind, I want to make sure my bases are covered in case my back cancer or possible kidney tumor spreads and finally kills me. You can’t be too careful, and I want to make darned sure neither of my daughters pick a hoochie-mama wedding dress and blame my poor, deceased self for it. So here’s the advice I would give them
1) Please be more concerned with picking out your groom than your dress.
I know you want to put on the pretty dress and have the beautiful wedding, but all of this fun and festivity is only going to last a day. You’ll wear that dress for a few hours, but the man you’re with when you take it off is supposed to be with you the rest of your life.
2) Despite what people may tell you, your wedding day is not all about you.
This union will join two people and their families and friends and go on to create an entirely new family. Please keep all of those people in mind. Don’t be a diva or I’ll come back to haunt you.
3) Please do not feel like you have to wear my dress.
Sentimentality and tradition are part of every wedding, but unless long sleeves with puffy shoulders and gigantic butt bows are back in fashion, you should not be stuck with my 1991 choices.
4) Don’t spend money you don’t have on this dress.
You are lovely girls and would look beautiful in burlap bags. You don’t need to spend thousands of dollars to be gorgeous. If in doubt, see #2 and remember that five years from now none of your guests will remember much about your dress but if you serve them rubbery chicken in an over heated reception hall or have a scene with your new sister-in-law they’ll talk about it forever.
5) When choosing a dress, “sexy” is not the adjective you’re aiming for.
Beautiful, elegant, timeless, classy, lovely and flattering are your goals. As long as your dress meets those criteria, whatever it looks like go ahead and tell everyone that it’s the dress I would have picked.
6) Never mind what your father says, pink is a fabulous color for a wedding dress.
7) Don’t take your groom shopping with you and do NOT show him pictures after you’ve chosen your gown. Your wedding day should be the first time he sees it.
It’s a tradition that exists for a reason. It will be hard to take his breath away if he’s seen you try it on, get it fitted and had a picture of it on your facebook profile for six months. By all means, flip through bridal magazines and get his input on likes and dislikes before you shop, but the actual purchase should be a secret until the big day.
8) Be kind to your bridesmaids.
Their dresses should be affordable and flattering. If you’ve lined up a group of different body types, consider different dresses in the same color. Again, see #2.
9) I would tell you to get the long veil, but always remember that your best accessories are good posture a genuine smile.
10) In the right setting, I kind of like the idea of cowboy boots with your dress and if you’re on a beach you can go barefoot but I would NEVER let you walk down the aisle in sneakers. Whatever shoes you choose, make sure they’re comfortable.
Whether I am with you or not, I want you to enjoy this time. Follow God’s leading, embrace your life and see your decisions through with conviction. Look forward to the future and know that whatever you do, whatever choices you make, I love you and always will.
Faith, My Favorites, Parenting, Reagan, Weird
Reader Comments (23)
Okay, you made me cry. What a great post! I hope your daughters don't have to shop without you but if they do I hope they have paid attention.
Hugs,
Ardee-ann
This is a spectacular post Mindee. Truly great advice. I hope you get to help your daughters and grand daughters pick their dresses anyways.
And a great dress doesn't mean anything if you don't have a great man.
I just teared up at the end. Good stuff.
Great post. I had to shop without my mom would've been nice to have had her advice before.
Mindee, this is the BEST post!!! Great job!! I love the part about remembering rubbery chicken ;) As for the weddings I've gone too I always remember the food and the music! I think weddings have become so much of a production and this is a great post to reel everybody in and turn it down a notch. I read this to my husband and he told me he has no recollection of what my dress looked like. I just smiled sweetly and said it was OK, men don't remember clothing. As for the part about not showing the groom before hand I 100% agree! Numerous guests came up to me and said the best part was watching Ryan's giant smile as I walked down the aisle. And if you ask him...that part he remembers!
This was beautiful! If you're gone, I'll help the girls pick out their dresses -
I hope you have many fond memories of your own wedding. You looked
so lovely.
Love, LOVE, love this post! Your advice is awesome! #1 is my favorite- we talk a lot about "choosing well" when it comes to the men in their life. (3 girls - the oldest is Regan's age) And SYTTD is one of our favorite shows!
AA - sorry for the tears, thanks for the encouragement.
Miiriam - you're right. I should have mentioned what a great accessory the right man is.
Jesy - Did you really? I didn't realize you were so young when she died. i'm sure you made the perfect choice anyway. You have GREAT taste!
Sarah H - you're a very understanding wife. :)
Mom - I do have fond memories, and despite my jokes I still really like my dress and love that you were with me to choose it.
Mindy - You're raising them well!
great advice! em and i are say yes to the dress fans too, but i do get concerned about how the wedding has become THE event as opposed to the (hopefully) long years to follow.
I should mention my wedding gown. I ordered it off ebay two sizes too big, had it tailored to fit me perfectly by a lady who worked out of her home, and steam cleaned. The whole thing cost me just over $250. It was a $900+ dress if I ordered it from a store.
And yet, everyone loved my dress so much. My aunt even ended up making a painting from a picture of me in the dress and giving it to me as a belated wedding present.
So when I say a good man is a great accessory, I mean it. A friend of mine spent $4000 on a custom made wedding dress. 2 years later, they are already divorced. My $250 dress, resulted in a marriage that has seen some storms in it's 4.5 years, but has worked hard to weather them and prevailed :)
Totally awesome post Mindee! I will have to remember this one when Anna gets older!!! It is almost as hard to shop for a wedding dress without a dad too! I speak from experience!
So happy to share this on my own FB wall , Mindee. The Larson girls and their mom love to watch SYTTD as well we have come to many agreements as a result. Now that Emma has had the privilege of being a bridesmaid, she knows first-hand the importance of being an encouraging friend.
Thanks for putting my own thoughts into your blog. What a way with words you have, my friend. I laughed, nodded and cried!
I wore cowboy boots with my wedding dress. Just thought you should know. :)
Super sweet post! It brought back fond memories of the wedding planning I was doing five years ago. Such great advice for anyone, not just your daughters. The experience of the day is so much more important than the dress. I love my dress and we didn't spend a fortune on it. However, I would never expect my daughter to wear it. I want her to have the experience of getting to choose the perfect dress for herself.
missy - it's worth being concerned about if you ask me.
Miriam - as I'm fond of saying, "Whether you spend $1,000 or $100,000, at the end of the day you'll be married." I think we've lost sight of the goal of the day.
VB - I can see that. It would have been nice to see the look on his face when "his girl" was all dressed up, huh?
Leisa - a compliment from you means the world. Glad you liked it. :)
Lorrie - it IS a fun experience, isn't it?
Aw, I've always thought that show was tacky and filled with people who spend way way way too much on a dress, but now I really want to watch it! And that's clearly fabulous advice.
p.s. I am all about your butt bow.
My 17 year old and I watch SSYTD and are frequently appalled at the cost of the dress, the behavior of the bride/bridal party/ fiance/family/insert your own, etc. Weddings have certainly become an industry and such a production. I think it is a tad absurd! I dreamed of wearing my mother's dress, which I did with minimal alterations (my mother sewed crystals and sequins on yards of lace to help cover stains from it not being stored properly - a labor ov love!) I still smile when I look at my wedding pictures and still remember my husband's expression when he saw me walking down the aisle. Later that night he told me, with tears in his eyes, how beautiful I looked - PRICELESS!
I bought my designer silk wedding dress at a thrift store for 300 dollars. It would have cost me 1200.00 if I found it at a bridal store. It hung in my closet for 10 years before I met my husband. I would look at it and pray for my future husband. We had a small wedding..but after some alterations..I walked down the church with my lace cathedral train. We were both 40 years old and getting married for the first time.....so worth the wait. Now 6 years later we have 2 beautiful toddlers running around our house. My wedding dress is still hanging in my closet and I look forward to the day when my daughter and I will look and hold my dress and pray over her future mate. God is good!
Megan - my bow thanks you.
Peggy - obviously you did a great job picking your groom. And is my girls DO decide to wear my dress I hope their stories turn out as well.
Patti - I LOVE THAT STORY!!!!!!!
Very wonderful post!!
I think the see-through dress is all right, but only with the gladiator sandals that are on the person in the background. ;)