I Say I Want A Revolution
Thursday, August 4, 2011 at 6:00AM Okay, this is the last post talking about anniversaries, I promise. I hadn't even planned to do anymore, but then I was looking at this picture of my tablecloth and it reminded me of an idea I've had brewing.
That tablecloth is old and not terribly attractive but I keep using it because when I go out shopping, I'm never really in the mood to buy a tablecloth. It's one of those items you get as a shower or wedding gift when you're starting out and that you don't really want to buy for yourself.
And here is what I think: getting married is a really easy thing to do. Staying married is a heck of a lot harder. So why are we giving people gifts for doing the easy part?
Seriously, when that sweet young couple is up saying their vows, they have no idea what they're promising. Why are we rewarding them for their ignorance by giving them a giant stack of presents?
In sickness and in health. Those idealistic people are picturing themselves sitting stoically by a sick bed nursing their beloved through a tragic illness. That is indeed a terribly difficult situation, but thankfully it's a rare one. The "sickness" that more commonly tests a marriage is the one where your husband is lying in bed sure that he has the worst cold that anyone has ever had.
He is moaning.
He is sniffling.
He is calling out in a weak voice asking for tissues/soup/hot tea.
Meanwhile, you've had a cold yourself for two weeks and it's probably turning into a sinus infection because everytime you bend over to pick up a toy or a sock you get dizzy and nauseous. But you can't lie down for more than five minutes before your three year old tries to make herself a peanut butter sandwich and the 18 month old comes walking by with a diaper so loaded that a cloud is following him. You finally get them both down for a nap at the same time and settle yourself on the couch.
About then, your husband calls out because he can't reach the remote that has fallen to the floor and wants you to get it for him.
Sticking by him in that situation is a true test of your vows.
For richer or poorer. Frankly, no newlywed can picture "richer" being all that much of a hardship and surely "poorer" just happens to other people. I think most of us just kind of skimmed over that particular promise.
And then spent the next year(or 30) fighting about money.
Who pays the bills, when do they pay the bills, how do the pay the bills? Which is the more needed expenditure - golf clubs or a $200 purse? How dare you go out and buy a new grill without checking with me? You spent how much on your mother's birthday present? Why do you always buy the expensive toilet paper?
Yeah. Turns out that vow was kind of a biggie.
In good times and in bad. What the heck does that mean anyway? Who measures "good" and "bad"? How can anyone be expected to commit to such an ambiguous concept? It's ridiculous.
And yet we must.
Forsaking all others. That one's pretty easy to promise when you're standing on the altar with a 27 year old hottie. Fifteen years, four kids and thirty pounds later it might be trickier. Waistlines expand, hairlines recede, busts droop, ears sprout hair, sensible shoes make an appearance, comfortable pants become the top choice . . . And you are tired. Oh so tired.
It can make it tough for some people to stay on track. It's not a pretty truth, but it happens.
Until death do us part. When you're saying those words, the idea of spending the next 50 years together seems too short. About year seven, on a really bad day it sounds more like, Life - Without The Possibility of Parole.
And yet . . . people persevere. Couples dig deep and compromise and choose to love and forgive. We look past faults and learn to appreciate strengths. We search each other's faces for that person we fell in love with and rekindle the spark.
Again and again and again.
So my proposal is this: we stop giving wedding gifts. Instead, we should set up an incentive for those who have stuck by their commitments. Perhaps for the 5th anniversary, your friends and family give you new linens.
By the 10th you've earned a selection of small appliances.
For the 25th you receive new furniture.
If you make it to your 50th?
You get a yacht.
Marriage, My Favorites, Ruling the World
Reader Comments (26)
I HEART this. That is all!!! :-)
Just for the record, I think 20 years of marriage definitely warrants 4 blog posts. I mean...20 years. A woman most certainly has alot of wisdom to pass on after that many years.
You seemed a little apologetic for it, so I wanted to ease your mind. :)
I love your take on the traditional marriage vows. And, being a 21 year marriage veteran I found much humor...and truth in it.
So funny you say this, I was just telling my MIL that I needed to get remarried because everything we got when we got married is old and worn out. Fifteen years is a long time,I was listing off the things I still have and use. The MIL gave me one of those "you really are nuts " looks. So, maybe getting rewarded would be better than starting all over again!
As a newlywed, I've enjoyed reading all of your anniversary posts! (20 years is such an amazing milestone... I am so happy for you and your husband!) This one has to be one of my favorites though. I love the idea of celebrating anniversaries even more so than weddings. In each anniversary truly lies the victory. Love your insight into each vow, and although as I said I am a newlywed... I could relate to each one of those little "joys" husbands bring, in particular the husband overreacting about sickness.
Where can we send the tablecloth to? =]
New linens sound good. Our 5th anniversary is August 12th. I like crisp white sheets. =)
This should be required reading in marriage classes. I think this new system of gifiting is pure genius....ranks right up there with bacon on the grill. The only change I would make is that if you make it through "Year Seven" for you 8th anniv. you get a medal of honor.
Bo and I talk about this all the time - how there should be anniversary registries, and every year the gifts should get better and more expensive.
And I LOVE your thoughts on vows :)
Carrie - you commented! Yay!
Tracey - thank you. :)
Becca - A hahhahaha! It was a discussion over our threadbare towels a couple of years back that planted the seeds for this post!!
KC - "In each anniversary truly lies the victory" Great line!
Alycia - and you've earned them
Brenda - Amen Sista! Was that a rough year or what?
Lisa - I want to register SO MUCH. They didn't have those fun little gun/scanner things back in my day and I want to use one in the worst way.
Love it, what a great concept! I agree that 20 years of marriage warrants 4 blogs posts - 1 for every 5 years. You deserve it, you have wisdom that newlyweds can learn from and a sense of humor that those of us several years in appreciate. (I particularly loved the in sickness portion of today's post)
This is great! I think that so many people focus on the wedding and not what they are actually promising. So many people who are my age (20!!) that I know have already been married and divorced. So scary!
breatheandhush.blogspot.com/
I absolutely loved this post. The man cold part reminded me of this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VbmbMSrsZVQ
Congrats again on 20 years! I think gifts should definitely be incentivized...gives everyone something to look forward to and work towards!
my 22nd wedding anniversary is next week and all i want is a vacation...alone!
Krista - so your husband does that too, huh?
Katie - very scary indeed!
Aubrey - exactly.
Sandy - now there's an idea worth considering. :)
A few years ago, we threw a huge party for my in-laws anniversary, and all the guests were told to bring a wedding type gift. It was almost like a new wedding shower to replace all of their worn out wedding gifts. We figured that after 30 years together, they deserved some new mixing bowls :)
I love all of it!! Perfection!
Giggle I'm so linking up to this with tomorrow's post. Only mine is the year 1.5 OMG rather than the 7 year OMG. We're...special.
Oh and that richer or poorer thing, man they should work in something about being a saver vs a spender LONG before the marriage vows. Otherwise they'll also need to work in a to throttle or not to throttle vow.
Aah, what do I get my grandparents who are celebrating their 60th Anniversary in a few weeks then? What's the next step up from a yacht?
Katie L. - I LOVE that idea. How fun!
Abby - thank you. :)
Stephanie - "to throttle or not to throttle" would be a great update.
PJ - Castle!
Beautifully written and SO TRUE! Loved this post! :-D Happy Anniversary Mindee!
Muddling the way through the thick and thin...
Here's to another slew of years.