19
Monday, August 2, 2010 at 6:01AM 
Today is our anniversary - 19 years.
19 years is the longest I've ever lived with anyone.
19 years is nearly half my life.
Some days, 19 years seems to have gone by in the blink of an eye. Other days, I feel every day of every year.
Rich is my best friend. I love his mind, I love his heart, I love him. He's a good guy, a good husband and a good father.
I am blessed.
But . . . well, I guess really I've never heard a better metaphor for marriage than, "it's like a roller coaster."
Year one of our marriage was an arduous climb. Year seven was a terrifying drop. The year we moved here was like a trip through a dark tunnel.
But all the good times . . . the births of our children, the things we've achieved, the vacations, the late night talks about nothing, the nights out with friends, the pockets of time where we thrill at the sight of each other . . . those times have made the ride worth it.
If marriage is a roller coaster, I would classify the last year as the portion of the ride where you just kind of crawl along to get to the next part. It hasn't been bad, it hasn't been good, it's just been moving along.
We are busy, busy, busy. Our kids need to be driven places all day long - literally. We have jobs. We have volunteer obligations. We have a house to run complete with laundry and grocery shopping and toilet scrubbing. In this stage of parenting, we feel like the kids are ever present. By the time we get them all to go to bed at night (and "in bed" and "asleep" are very different things) it's all we can do to collapse on the sofa for an hour or so before I head to sleep myself.
We are short of all the necessary ingredients for romance: time, energy, motivation and money. So while we aren't at each other's throats or even arguing really, we are also not at our peak.
But that's a roller coaster for you. You don't get to hang out on the peak. To get to the fun part, you have to endure the arduous climb. The biggest adrenalin rushes are the result of making it alive through a death-defying drop. To get to the next big thing, there are sections where you have to do a bit of plodding.
Now is a time when we have to dig deep. We have to hold on to the knowledge that we do love each other - even if it doesn't feel like it. We fall back on the promises we've made - and kept - for 19 years. Those promises are the safety bars that hold us in on this ride. Once we made our vows, those bars were lowered and locked. Whether we view them as restrictive or supportive depends on the day but, for better or worse, we are locked in until this ride ends.
We had a "State Of The Marriage" conversation yesterday and both agreed that lately we haven't been bringing our A game into this relationship. Kids, activities, chores, self - all are coming first.
Here's the thing though: in a few very short years the kids will be gone, and the the activites and chores will be drastically reduced. We're going to be staring at each other across the kitchen table in a quiet house with whole evenings looming before us and (hopefully) actual money to spend.
Is that going to be a happy, exciting day? Or are we going to be looking at each other in a panic wondering what to do next? That's up to us.
Unlike a roller coaster, we're not just along for the ride here. For the most part, choices we make affect the route that we go. I'm hoping that we're headed into a thrilling turn and not a scary part. I suppose it will depend, in part, on the decisions we make and the attitudes we take.
Whatever lies ahead, no matter how hard or scary or . . . meh, I'm glad I picked the guy I did to ride this ride with.
Rich? I do love you Babe. I hope we hold on to each other, whatever lies ahead.
God, Marriage, Mindee, My Favorites, Rich
Reader Comments (33)
Your best post yet. What an example you are to young couples like me and Chris. And your analogies are spot on. You're a great writer, Mindee. And I bet you're an even better wife.
Congratulations on 19 years!
~ Katie
www.marriageconfessions.com
I completly agree with what the other Katie said! I'm also a mother of three although we've only been married 3.5yrs so we have a lot of work to get through before we reach 19 years!
Congratulations!
I am dragging my husband to the computer as we speak.
Happy Anniversary to you! Are you making big plans already for next year's milestone?
GREAT post, I have always compared my life to a roller coaster so this rang true in my head.
We are in the same season over here. Yes, it is hard to carve out that time to make sure you stay connected, BUT the good news is the kids are old enough that you can leave them alone to do a date night every once and a while. (not too long though, we do want the house to be standing when we get home!)
AHHHH "Year Seven" - we had a "Year Seven". It was.....WOW, no words to describe it. We even use it as a descripter now, as in "We better plan a date night this week, we don't want a Year Seven to raise it's ugly head again." A few things about this season....
1. I would not EVER volunteer to go through it again.
2. It made us both grow up and smell the reality of marrage roses
3. it helped form the couple we are today, so...
4. where i wouldn't want to do it again (see #1) I am glad we struggled through it together and came out on the other side with valuble lessons learned and skills to deal with the hardships in marriage.
CONGRATS on 19 crazy, fun, scary, breath-taking years!
Beautiful post! Marriage is full of up and downs. Loved the picture and happy anniversary!
What a beautifully written post and so very, very true! Happy anniversary to you both!
I love this post!
Thanks for being an example to young couples, like me and MJ :)
Happy anniversary!!
Congratulations! 19 years is big!! When your kids are gone, you'll be fine. If you like the guy, you can live with him forever. I married my best friend.. I like him as well as love him. It makes all the difference in the world.
Mindee congratulations on an interesting 19 years together. I wish you many, many more wonderful years with Rich. You seem to be a great couple. As for your "A" game in marriage...sometimes that does get off track but if you get the opportunity try for at least a weekend of "A" game. It can be a wonderful boost to your entire family life.
I wish you well.
Ciao Bella,
Ardee-ann
I appreciate your honesty. We have not yet had a "year seven", literally or figuratively. I am not, however, naive enough to assume we won't (I mean the figurative one of course). We had a "what grade would you give our marriage" talk yesterday. I was not impressed with the scores. So much work- this thing called marriage. So definitely worth it, too. I believe that. Most days. :)
Happy Anniversary. Do something fabulous.
Like Brenda, we too had a Year Seven. It was awful and hard. But two years later (only two!) things have turned around and we are a stronger and different couple. Next year is our tenth anniversary and I want to do something big like maybe actually go on a honeymoon. Do y'all have plans for your twentieth? Congrats on 19!
You guys looked so young in that picture. Congratulations on the anniversary and the hard work you put into making it work.
Happy Anniversary to you and Rich! 19 years is certainly a milestone to be celebrated and I am one of those believers in what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. That includes dirty socks beside the bed. And permanently raised toilet seats. And tiny beard hairs clogging "my" sink. All character building. Right? Right??
Here's to many more years of endurance and love!!
:)
Mindy
www.thesuburbanlife.com
You look so cute in that picture, how old were you when you got married?!
This was refreshing to read because I was feeling very alone, but all those stages of marriage must be common! Thank you for putting it on paper to share. We hit 18 next year and I'm 45, isn't it weird that you're ahead of me? The most comforting part is knowing it's a ride 'til the end.
Congratulations on 19 years. Wishing you many more!
Congratulations on 19 years to you and Rich! As my 1 year comes closer I look to women like you as an inspiration that the best part of marriage is who you decided to hold hands with as the ride flips into that triple corkscrew turn!
Congrats on 19 years! Skye and I are making a book of advice from loved ones on marriage as our wedding gift to Sharon, so this is exactly what I've been immersed inside for the past couple of days. Only yours is far, far better written and eloquently expressed.
1. HOW SKINNY WERE YOU??!!! oh my gosh, your waist was the size of a... well, something outrageously small.
2. thank you for your honesty.
3. olli and i recently started going to counselling, because we were just going through the motions- allowing everything else to come first. it'll be a looong while before we're sitting across the table from each other with no kids or things to distract us. and if we don't actively engage now, we won't have anything to say.
4. you're so right about taking the reigns and steering your marriage. it's not a spectator sport.
5. have i told you lately how much i love your blog??!
Beautiful! Thank you for this. We are about to celebrate 4 years and I feel like i've already been on a rollercoaster about 10 times.
I came across your blog through Katie (marriage confessions) and I really like this post. My husband and I have been going through a difficult time since our son was born and I'm going to print this out. I'm hoping to spur a meaningful discussion out of it.
BTW - congrats on 19 years!