The Best Parent/Teacher Conference Ever
Wednesday, February 24, 2010 at 8:00PM Last week I gave you a slice of a typical morning here at Our Front Door. Life with an ADHD kid has some interesting moments. Some good, some bad - just like with all kids.
This week we had a good moment. An awesome moment actually. In fairness to Hayden I feel the need to share it.
We have been going to Hayden's parent/teacher conferences twice a year, year in and year out for seven years now. I'm pretty sure I left most of them crying.
Hayden's first grade teacher did not enjoy him. I warned her that he was bright and busy and talkative and bossy but told her that he had a good heart. She put him in time out the first day and spent the rest of the year sending notes home about his "blurting." Apparently, if Hayden had a thought - it came directly out of his mouth regardless of time or place or appropriateness.
We decided that teacher didn't understand boys, but in my heart I knew she had a lot of valid points.
In second grade, he had an elderly teacher who was ill a lot. There were many substitutes that year. Not a good thing for a kid who doesn't like change. Not a good thing at all. So we chalked most of the problems that year up to the rotating teachers.
Understand that this was our only boy, and I don't have any brothers. We truly thought most of his behaviors fell within the "boys will be boys" category. I just thought that all boys were super active. I've always said that Hayden has two speeds: Off and High. I didn't think that was out of the ordinary though. Sure he was loud and sure he talked a lot but he was a boy.
For third grade we caught a break. His teacher stuck him in a seat in the back of the room where his bouncing and rocking and chair tilting didn't bother the other kids and she didn't let it bother her. She focused on his humor and intelligence and they got along great.
Except.
This was the grade where his abysmal handwriting and spelling became very noticeable. No amount of studying or practice improved either one. In fact the more we worked on it, the more frustrated everyone became.
This was also the year that a teacher finally, finally suggested ADHD. Later I learned that everyone who worked with him suspected it but not a soul ever said a peep to me until third grade.
I thought the fact that he could read a 300 page book cover to cover with great concentration meant he couldn't possibly have a problem. I did not know that there are three kinds of ADHD. Hayden has nearly everything on the hyperactivity and impulsivity lists but he can focus on a subject with amazing concentration.
So we took him in and had him tested and started treatment and hoped for improvement.
Things were a little better in 4th grade, but not great. Treating ADHD is a process of elimination. You try a medicine for a while and then a while more. First you look for negative side effects and if those occur, discontinue. Then you look for improvement. If none occurs, they up the dosage and you wait again. You can go through several different formulas that way. Sometimes you'll find something that works great - for a while. Then it stops working and you have to start over again.
Additionally he was seeing someone to give him better coping and social skills. By this time though, his dislike of school was pretty intense. His handwriting and spelling had not improved and he had a hard time with other kids.
Fifth grade was the year we all hit bottom.
Let's just leave it at that.
But then sixth grade came. It turns out that unlike 90% of the rest of the population that middle school was just what Hayden needed.
I'll just be blunt here - Hayden is smart. Really smart. In elementary that handicapped him socially. His conversation and the things he wanted to play seemed weird to the other kids. Add in his bossiness and emotionality and he wasn't a terribly popular boy.
In middle school, the other kids finally started to "get" Hayden and he started making friends. He got a better rein on his tongue and emotions and began trying to get along. Then his greatest asset came along - Ms. Miller.
Ms. Miller went above and beyond for my kid. She worked with his quirks and made sure he was challenged. She didn't let him get away with anything, but would sometimes tweak assignments to better suit his skills. She was also endlessly patient and took a special interest in the needs of an ADHD kid.
I think her love and patience and the fact that she really cared changed something in my boy. Because someone made an effort to understand him, he suddenly liked school and started wanting to do well.
Rich and I walked out of parent/teacher conferences last night glowing. The boy has had all As and B+s all year. Every single teacher had only good things to say. They praised his effort and his work. They love the way he contributes to discussions and his sense of humor. All of them noted that he is making great strides in getting along with other kids. None of them noted any problems.
Well, there is still the spelling/handwriting thing. But we have solutions! His English teacher gives him multiple choice spelling tests. He can nearly always recognize the correct spelling and he has a 90%. For whatever reason, he just can't come up with the right spelling on his own. I don't know why and don't really care to investigate it. Rich can't spell for beans either and he is a productive adult.
That's why God gave us spell check.
And as for the handwriting - eh. It would be nice if he could write legibly (and to be fair he has improved) but kids now type nearly everything so it's not a big deal.
I guess I'm writing this post for two reasons:
1) As a testament to my boy. He has worked hard. He knows his weaknesses and rather than get mad about it, he's chosen to to work on them. That's an awfully mature response.
2) As a testament to everyone who has worked with him. The great teachers and medical professionals who have given us so much help have really turned ADHD into a positive.
Of course, this in only seventh grade. Hayden turns 13 next week and so we all know anything and everything could happen over the next few years.
But I am encouraged. I am hopeful and I am proud.
And I just wanted you to know.
Reader Comments (34)
WONDERFUL!!! :) Great post!
A wonderful, insightful synopsis of the journey of raising Hayden. Having taught
7th grade myself, I guess I saw in him the future success. He just needed to
get to middle school where he could move around enough.!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Proud of all of you - and yay for Ms. Miller.
G'ma
What a great blog Mindee! Way to go Hayden! Morgan had Ms. Miller also and loved her! That will be a teacher he will remember forever!
Yay for the lucky 7th year! I admire anyone who teaches, and especially those who have the heart and patience for the kids who need them the most. Good job, Hayden!
I think you have a movie star living in your house. In that last picture Hayden really looks like a young David Gallagher, who was Simon in 7th Heaven. :)
My oldest son is now 8 1/2 & we just had him "evaluated" a few months ago. The struggles & challenges with him are exhausting. Like Hayden, my child has an extremely high IQ & can read on a 5th/6th grade level. He was diagnosed with ADHD, among other things; although my husband & I don't necessarily agree with the a few of the 'other things'. If you check under "Bentley" on my blog, you can read, if you want, our journey.
It is SO hard. It is heartbreaking to watch our children suffer & struggle when we love them so much. But this much I know - never lose hope. They can't get where they need to be, without us.
Kudos to you, mom! :)
Sons...Christian can bring out the best and the worst of me. This post made me cry...especially when I got to the part about Ms. Miller. How wonderful that he finally had that experience!
What a long and hard journey...but how good that you are making it!
Sometimes I think that Christian has ADD or ADHD. There are certainly genetic indicators (if that's the correct thing to say, I don't know...it's on both sides of the family), and like you said, he's very wiggly and energetic a lot of the time, but then he can sit and concentrate on a Lego project for hours. Hours. Reading and following instructions. This year at school he has been blessed with a teacher who allows a lot of moving around; they are always doing something in there. It has been a great experience. She told me yesterday,"Your son is so interesting to teach." I'm not sure exactly what that meant, but I think it was good. :)
Thanks for sharing this part of your walk. And congratulations to Hayden for all he has accomplished.
Yay for Hayden! Loved this post, Mindee. Your little handsome man has had quite the journey getting to where he is but it looks like his future is nothing but bright (with a few blips along the way, I'm sure...after all, he does have testosterone.) =)
Mindy
www.thesuburbanlife.com
Late last year, we had a letter sent home telling us our youngest son was selected for the Gifted and Talented program for the next 2 years (Years 9 & 10 - ages 14 - 15).
We were sceptical and thought there must have been some mistake!! Sure, he's bright and bubbly, gets on great with adults and does so very well in Maths its a little freaky ... but he's also a chair-swinger who tends to blurt and had had trouble making friends for years because they just didnt seem to 'get' him. Frankly, whilst it never got bad enough to diagnose, we pretty much thought he was borderline ADHD.
Funny thing. If you read the list of attributes of G&T kids, it's almost the same thing. They can be totally AWESOME at some things and qualify for Learning Support in others.
Reading your blog today was like reading my boys' school history :)
5th grade was the year we want to erase from our memories....FOR.EV.ER with #2. Then, THEN came middle school and the angels sang. Someone told us it was like having a reset button pushed every 55 min. He knows that he is going to class to learn ONE subject, and an hour later, a bell goes off and BAM he gets to go to a completely different class and completely different teacher, BUT in the SAME order EVERY day....the perfect combo of new, but same.
And he's just so darn cute! Hang in there, it does get better.........
THAT was a beautifully written post about an obviously beautiful boy that is very much loved. Just precious!
Congrats! I worked at a summer daycare for a few years, and having been ADHD myself, always was drawn to working with similar kids. It frustrated me to no end that many of my co-workers (who were teachers) expressed horror that I'd bother with the kids because they were "trouble" or "annoying". They were GREAT kids, and usually really smart, just had some "quirks".
Like your experience with Ms. Miller, I had a PHENOMENAL 4th grade teacher named Mrs. Goff. True, I missed out on class activities because she always had a separate lesson plan just for me, but it was what I needed! There certainly is a gifted/ADHD link, which can be helped tremendously through high expectations and challenges. Good luck!
An awesome teacher is a great find I had a few in my childhood and I still treasure them. Sounds like Hayden is doing really well, and that he's got great parents to boot! Did I mention he's a cutie, next up girls!!!!
Bahhhaaahhahha!!!
Well, I know several doctors with terrible handwriting and they're all getting along just fine plus some. Also, my four-year-old has two speeds: On and Off, otherwise known as Fast and Asleep.
You're a great mom for working through it. And he's really lucky to have found some teachers willing to work with him on his problems. My brother was treated for ADD as a child. My mom is convinced that I had it/have it too, but because I did well in school (especially in the gifted program) I was never recommended for diagnosis. It will probably help him in the long run to get help now. And you've written a beautiful tribute to his progress :)
I've spent the last few hours having personal reflection over this blog posting! First, Thanks for the kind words...which of course made me cry! Just the thought that I had made an impact on Hayden is such a huge reward...As I've shared I see so much of my own 4 year old in Hayden. (scary huh) My son looks like Hayden, responds to adults like Hayden, and as I read your past blogs, starts his day out just like Hayden (what 4 year old jumps out of bed at 5:45 READY for the day?)
I was speechless as to how to respond to your postings, but I have realized that there was a HUGE part missing from your blog! The gifts that Hayden, an ADHD child, has shared with me and ALL of his teachers!
Hayden has taught me many things but here are the major ones (Please apologize to Hayden for sharing so much information)
1) There are MILLIONS of textbooks written about ADHD, but not one prepares a teacher for what life in the classroom with Hayden will look like!
2) Creating a relationship with Hayden (difficult at times) allowed me to teach him, guide him, and joke with him!
3) When creating lessons, projects, and assignments ALWAYS realize that Hayden will ask a question I hadn't thought of...and that no matter how strange it is, he is SERIOUS!
4) That when I was wrong...Hayden knew he deserved an apology...and when I gave it to him..he accepted it and the situation was done! An apology was the bridge to a relationship with Hayden. He learned I would I apologize when wrong and that he was expected to apologize when he was wrong!
5) If I wanted to avoid a headache and a battle I'd say the following "Hayden, you may work independently if you wish." (He'd always give an ear to ear smile too)
6) Making pancakes and bacon on the last day of school was a great way to end a year of hard work and accomplishments!
Hayden's will be the one student that I NEVER forget! I smile just remember the millions of conversations and events that Hayden and I shared!
It sounds like you've got a pretty awesome son with a pretty awesome teacher! Amazing how much a little extra help from a teacher can do. I've had a few teachers like that, who are willing to give you a little extra push, take a few seconds more to explain something, sit down and figure out your learning style and incorporate it into their teachings. It truly does make a difference, not only in the lives of one but in the lives of every person in that class (notice I say person...because I've seen this happen in different grade levels and yes, even college).
Hayden, you're doing awesome!!!!
Wow,
Ms. Miller you are an amazing person. You are a credit to the teaching profession and an amazing individual on top of that. How lucky for you and Hayden to have shared such a wonderful experience. My mother is a teacher, and it is truly amazing to see the relationships that she still has with former students that she taught 30 years ago.
And now I'm crying. . . .
The first thing I was going to say but see someone beat me to it, your son does look like the boy from 7th Heaven, in his younger days. WOW!
That is great! Glad you shared your story. We have had such bad middle school stories that we have pulled our children and homeschooled 6th,7th & 8th. My oldest sounds a lot like your son. I know 100% if he doesn't make a connection with his teacher then it's gonna be a BAD year. Glad he got a good one so willing to work with him in a postive way.
I'm am a HORRIBLE speller.